New Grand Old Party Platform

I've been working on my speech for the convention.  Republican leaders want me to unveil their new improved updated party platform for some reason.  Now they're just looking for the perfect puppet candidate:  preferably a pregnant paraplegic lesbian.

I went to some meetings and took notes.  Here's what I've come up with so far.

“Might makes right” may seem "wrong" to you pussies in rose-tinted tea-lenses, but to us it’s crystal clear; the USA is top dog for a reason, and we should all get on board with the winning team!  

Now this man Obama...

We like the universal healthcare and respect he espouses; we like some of his other Marxist tendencies too, even if he is from one of those Niger places full of colored people; we think the U.S. is too caught up in consumer greed and screen entertainment to truly think about things, much less research, campaign and vote for them.  Which has worked well for fearmongerers in the past.  But all these young whippersnappers with this newfangled interweb...  The fact is we are too fat.  We have king’s disease (aka gout). 

Every responsible adult with a job eventually comes to realize… even ex-hippies started voting for Reagan... It's good to be red, but maybe we should just incorporate a touch of purple, whatever them donkeys are winnin with; rework social welfare more on a Norwegian model for example - whichever country way better services, somebody should do some research or something.  But let’s also get back to being real: being bullies is what got us where we are atop the food chain.  We should be pro-military, it’s by far our greatest international advantage; it’s what makes us the world’s only superpower, which makes us an economic superpower in turn.  

We have the luxury to piss away cash on our crippled weaklings because we pick on middle eastern dictators before they get too big and band together and defeat us like the Soviets couldn’t either because we outspent them until they busted (truism of war, politics and the Olympics: gold wins).  

The history of east west relations is unequivocally characterized by animosity, and Russia is half chink for that matter.  Fuckin Brown People; bomb em all to Hell.  Oh yeah, some of us are Brown. 

Okay then, treat em like the rest of us and pick on somebody else for some reason other than skin color.  Not Canada though, they’re like our differently mentally abled kid brother with retard chromozone: you kinda want to stick up for em.  How bout fuckin New Zealand?  Smug piece of shit Kiwis.  Ain't doin dick but drinking beer and marrying sheep down there.  What’s waterfront cost in Hawaii and Cali these days? Yeah. 

Let’s go park an Aircraft carrier off Auckland (just one mind you would do it) and appropriate an island or two, why not?  How would that tactic not result in an increase in our gross holdings?  What has every king ever attempted to do (besides feast)?  That's right, conquer. Who says we have to stop at 50 states, why not 60? 

Why shouldn’t Costa Rica follow Puerto Rico into the Union?  Ya mas dos estrellas.  Next El Salvador, Panama, the Phillipines, Israel… Oh yeah... that whole racist dick we’ve been throughout history thing.